This year has been the worst of my life. Which includes 1996, the year I tried to hang myself. This year I’ve been suicidal, depressed, so anxious I didn’t leave the house for weeks/months at a time, self harming, chronically sick, starving, prodded by more health care professionals than I’ve seen in my entire life, and nearly evicted more times than I can count. I pawned my valuables and my decent jewellery (including my engagement ring and a necklace my Aunt had made just for me from rubies she’d found herself) to Cash Converters for food money. I watched my spouse go through his own devastating breakdown with no way to really help, and nothing to do but struggle with him to get him the recognition of his problems that was lacking. I discovered that despite her big claims, my mother had no intention of actually helping me through my breakdown and recovery or to even help keep a roof over my head. I’ve had drugs that did nothing to help, drugs that poisoned me, and drugs that put me into a waking coma. I’ve gone months without laughing once. I have many new scars and my spouse has a few grey hairs. We’re in a financial hole that will take years to climb out of. I’ve discovered that people I once considered kind and intelligent are actually selfish and ignorant. I’ve shared my woe and been called an attention seeker, but through my honesty I’ve also made wonderful new friends and reconnected on a new level with old friends. I might have nothing; no money, no job, no valuables, no hope that I’ll ever be ‘normal’… But I have the most amazing spouse who held me together as I fell apart and tirelessly sticky tapes me together, even at 4am when he has to be up for work at 5:30am. I have friends with the biggest hearts and the most beautiful souls. I’m still here, still trying, and still hoping. Maybe 2014 will be the same as 2013. Maybe I’ll lose what I have left. Maybe I’ll finally just give up. But right now I’m looking into a New Year that is bright and full to bursting with ripe promise and hope.